Just a random collection of quotations or one-liners that ticked my (sometimes bizarre) fancy.

If you see something unattributed (or worse, wrongly attributed), please let me know and I will fix it.

• With the land and possession of America rapidly passing into the hands of a favored few; with great corporations taking the place of individual effort; with the small shops going down before the great factories and department stores; with thousands of men and women in idleness and want; with wages constantly tending to a lower level; ... with bribery and corruption openly charged, constantly reiterated by the press, and universally believed; and above all and more than all, with the knowledge that the servants of the people, elected to correct abuses, are bought and sold in legislative halls at the bidding of corporations and individuals: with all these notorious evils sapping the foundations of popular government and destroying personal liberty, some rude awakening must come. And if it shall come, ... when you then look abroad over the ruin and desolation, remember the long years in which the storm was rising, and do not blame the thunderbolt.
  — Clarence Darrow.
  Clarence Darrow (1857-1938) was a famous American lawyer and civil libertarian particularly noted for his wit. I can't find out when he said this but it could have been today!
  Wikipedia link to Clarence Darrow
• War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
  — Stephen Fry.
• If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
  — Dean Martin.
• The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
  — Maureen Murphy.
• A friend of mine hated her husband so much that when he died she had him cremated, blended him with marijuana, and smoked him. She said, "That's the best he's made me feel in years."
  — Maureen Murphy.
• Isn't is strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.
  — quoted in Cincinnati Enquirer.
• There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
• Money is simply alcohol in a more easily transportable form.
• I have a friend in cheeses.
• Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
  — from a fortune cookie.
• Women have to work twice as hard as men to be considered half as good. Fortunately, it isn't difficult.
  — Dorothy Parker.
• Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats.
• It's been so long since I've had sex, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
• Gary Larson, "The Far Side" — By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "hungry".
• "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers."
• One milli-helen: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. NB: When computing negahelens, or sufficient ugliness to sink a thousand ships and extinguish an urban conflagration, merely convert.
  See On the inefficiency of beauty contests
• OJ's web address is http://////////
• Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
  — Mark Twain
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• They who laugh last think slowest!
• Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at mathematics.
• I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
  — English professor, Ohio University
• Grabel's law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very large values of 2.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• Law of probability dispersal: whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
  — Frank Muir & Dennis Norden.
• An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.
• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
• No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power.
  —P.J. O'Rourke, writer (b. 14 November 1947)
• It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
  — Lao-Tseu (aka Laozi), Philosopher and poet of ancient China. 604 - 531 BC (maybe).