Dilbert on Life at Work

  • I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  • I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
  • My reality cheque bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  • Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
  • A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily By reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
  • There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
  • Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
  • If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.
  • Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
  • When everything is coming your way ...... you're in the wrong lane!
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